My Trauma Response

When I was a little girl, I used to get yelled at for things that I didn’t understand. I would get hit for things that I unintentionally and accidentally did. If I close my eyes, I can re-visit all of those times, and I can see my three-year-old self crying alone. And as I grew older, I developed certain attributes to my character and personality that I also didn’t understand, until now. Part of who I am is a reflection of my past.

I used to think that the past does not define who I am, but it does reflect who I am. The older that I get, and the more that life throws at me, I start to see bits and pieces to why I do certain things, why I am the way I am. Constantly I am told by peers to stand up for myself, to have a voice, but I always felt that I couldn’t, and I could never explain that to people. And over time, people just thought that that was my weakness, that I was this timid girl who let everyone walk all over her; it’s on me.

And when I close my eyes and I see that three-year-old girl, when I see her crying and scared, not knowing why I got yelled at or why I got beat, I can see her change. I can see her analyze her words and her actions so carefully so to not be yelled at or beaten again. I can see that when she tried to explain herself it didn’t matter, and over time it was like someone sewed her mouth shut. She didn’t know when it was safe to say certain things, and she didn’t want to guess when it would be okay, so she just stopped. And she did everything that was asked of her because it assured her that she wouldn’t get in trouble, that she wouldn’t be yelled at or beaten.

And to my knowledge, that is the exact reason for my desire to please others so badly. I internalized that pleasing people made the outcome better for me. It made me feel at ease because pleasing them meant I should not receive the other end of the hand. Maybe as I grow older I can learn to set some boundaries. I am 25 years old and I am only just acknowledging and embracing the concept boundaries.

To my understanding, boundaries are the terms and lines where you feel comfortable with something. If I look back, I didn’t have many. I didn’t know that I could set any boundaries for myself, because I was never given boundaries growing up. If I wasn’t comfortable, if I didn’t want to do something, I was told that I had to do it anyway. My comfort and my fears didn’t matter, and I learned that saying no wasn’t an option. I rarely often say no to most matters, even when I really want to. And today I still find discomfort in saying no or saying truly how I feel at times. I rationalize in my head that saying anything other than what someone wants to hear is only going to lead to complications, lead to an altercation, and why would anyone want that? My heart races and my anxiety flares up just thinking about saying anything other than what someone wants to hear, about causing an unnecessary affliction. Why would anyone want that?

But, if I am surrounded by true friends, true people who love me, shouldn’t I feel safe enough to know that I don’t have to censor myself? You would think that wouldn’t you, but sometimes that’s not the case with me. In some situations I am in, I ask myself if it’s okay to say what I’m thinking, or if I should just agree to keep the peace, to make things civil and easy. Whenever I do this though, I feel weak and broken, but I don’t know how to get past that feeling. I don’t know how to feel that I’m strong enough that it’ll be okay even if I say what’s in my head because at the end of the day, my feelings matter.

As I lie here realizing all of the broken and the ugly, I can’t help but to feel torn. I never knew how much the past could catch up to the present. I don’t want to be this person who is so afraid all the time, who constantly overthinks every little move. I hide my anxiety, my attacks, and I try with every part of me to seem normal, to seem strong… but I feel like I can’t. This will forever be my trauma.